Luke Snyder

2006-06-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Luke Snyder's blog has moved to: http://blog.myspace.com/atwtluke. We hope to see you there!

2006-05-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

My mother is getting completely out of hand. Now she's hiring some guy to spy on me? What? So she can catch me doing something gay?

I mean, what does she expect to achieve by this? Is she so messed up by the idea that in the past sixteen years I might have dared to have a thought or an emotion or an opinion that I didn't run by her first that she wants to make sure it never happens again?

And this guy she's got tailing me - He isn't even very good at it. I mean, I saw him when I was talking to Will. That couldn't be part of the game plan.

Unless maybe my mother WANTS me to know that I'm being followed. Maybe she thinks it will make me "straighten" out and fly right.

This is all such a mind trip. I can't live like this. I'm not going to let her do this to me. I wish my Dad were home.

2006-05-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

My mother told my grandmother Lucinda about my being gay. And my grandmother was... happy to hear it.

Can you believe that? She was actually happy to hear that I was gay. Because she'd known for months that I was miserable about something, and now that it's out in the open, she says I can relax.

How cool is that?

Now if only my mom could just stop looking at me like I'm her Little Disappointment.

In the Comments section of my earlier post, Mary wrote:

You pointed out how not-so-Li'l Lily wants to make this all about her so she can wallow in the bad hand motherhood dealt her.

Is that really what all this is about? Is this really more about my mom feeling like a failure because she didn't know that I was gay than it is about me being gay in the first place?

2006-05-15T06:16:00.000-07:00

It’s bad enough when you’re a little kid and you think you don’t need a jacket, but your parents tell you that you do so you have to put it on. Or when you’re sure that horror movie all your friends saw won’t scare you, but your parents think it will, so you can’t watch it. They tell you they’re doing it for your own good and that you’re too young to know what’s best for you or to make up your own mind. But I thought that kind of stuff would be done with by the time I got taller than they are.

Apparently not. Now that I’m too old to dress or keep out of R-rated movies, my mom doesn’t think I know my own mind about being gay.

Does she really think I would have come out to her and Dad if I was still flipping coins about it? Does she think it’s something I actually decided instead of just being something I know?

No one asks straight people, "So, are you sure you’re straight? When did you decide you were straight? Have you ever considered trying out the alternative to make sure you really are straight?"

You know how I’m sure that straight people don’t get asked any of that? Because - no matter how much my mom hated Jade, no matter how much she wanted us to break up and for me to hook up with someone else, never, not even once, did she ask me, "So, Luke, have you considered trying boys just to make sure you really know your own mind?"

The defense, as they say, rests.

2006-05-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well, to all the people who read my blog regularly and have been commenting for me to get on with it already – I did it. I told my parents I was gay.

Dad already knows, of course. He said he didn’t, but we both know he did. At least, he suspected. Which is probably why it wasn’t such a big shock to him and he could take it all so calmly. I didn’t expect that. I mean, my dad is the big, hetro-stud. Other than Natalie, Faith and the baby he and mom are about to have, he also has a daughter, Abigail, from this girl he dated in high school, and another son, Aaron, with the woman who is now married to my Uncle Caleb. (I know, I know, it’s complicated; don’t ask).

I thought hearing I was gay would flip Dad out. But he just kept saying that I was his son and he loved me and everything was going to be okay. I wanted to believe him so much.

And it was okay. With Dad. But the reaction I got from Mom...

You know, I expected her to be shocked but to be honest; I never thought she’d take it harder than Dad. I mean, he’s the guy, he’s supposed to be the one with the issues. But it was Mom, instead.

First, she told me I was just confused. Like I’ve been killing myself for the last few months to keep this a secret, when I wasn’t sure who I was or what I wanted.

And then she thought Jade put me up to this. But, if she’d been thinking clearly, she’d have seen that there was nothing in this for Jade. Jade’s only in clover if I was still using her as my beard. Once I come out, Jade loses everything, so why would Jade put me up to this?

And then, I guess to avoid thinking about me, Mom went on the offensive with Dad, asking him how he could have kept this from her?

They’re fighting again. About me. I knew this would happen. I knew it.

2006-05-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

I am going to come out to my parents. Soon. But I figured I needed a little warm-up exercise first. So I started by telling my friend, Will Munson.

Guess what? Just like when I told Jade, Will’s head didn’t explode either. He was surprised, sure, but he’d have been surprised by any out of the blue news I threw at him. And afterwards, he was chill, like it was no big deal, just life, you know?

It’s weird, me and Will. When we were growing up, I was the good kid every mother wanted playdates with, and Will was the one who had… issues. There was this time people thought he burned down a barn. And then he accidentally killed his brother’s girlfriend and ended up in a mental institution.

We read this book for English class a couple of years ago, "The Great Gatsby." The first lines are:

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.

"Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you’ve had."

I actually thought about Will when I first read it. Will and his mom, Barbara Ryan, who, in just the time I’ve been old enough to pay attention, has gone crazy and committed at least a half-dozen felonies, plus a bunch of misdemeanors, all while swearing she did it all to protect her kids, Paul, Jennifer and Will.

It’s no wonder Will was a little (okay, a lot, and he’d be the first one to say it) messed up growing up. And no wonder that, when I told him how nervous I was about coming out to Mom and Dad, he told me not to sweat it. Will said I have great parents.

I know he’s right.

I hope he’s right.

2006-05-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

You know when I said Jade may have been stupid, but she wasn’t dumb? Well, she certainly hit it right on the head today when she told me that she’s not the one lying to my mom anymore - I am.

She’s right. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about it - which is how I deal with all my problems; I am excellent at the bury your head in the sand (or bottle) technique.

I can’t really get all on Jade’s case about being a liar when I’m doing the same thing. So I’ve made up my mind. I’m telling my folks the truth. I’m telling my Mom and Dad that I’m gay.

In other words, that sound you’re about to hear? That’s lifelong perfect, little boy Luke Snyder breaking his parents’ hearts.

2006-04-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just can’t figure Jade out. One minute, the girl is coming on to me. Okay, how stupid is that? When, over the past few weeks of her pretending to be my girlfriend so I don’t have to come out to my parents, did she miss the part where I’m gay? Gay. As in, I like boys, not girls. Gay, as in, me pushing her away when she tries to kiss me shouldn’t have been that big of a shocker.

Although, it was a shock for my dad to see it. How stupid can Jade be? Her getting to stay in our guest-house is only because my parents bought that we were madly in love and being separated from her could, like, make my new kidney explode or something. Does she really think it does her case any good for Dad to see us "not getting along?" What was she thinking??

At least I was able to cover with Dad and tell him the only reason I pushed Jade away was because he and Mom have that rule about us being together in the house. Still, it shouldn’t have even happened.

But, see, just when I figured Jade’s got to be losing it, she turns all Supergirl on us. Mom started feeling sick so Dad rushed her to the hospital, worried about the baby, and Jade stepped right up to take care of Faith and Natalie, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like she really sincerely wanted to help and cared what happened to us.

I just don’t get that girl. What the hell does she want?

2006-04-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

If Jade thinks she can get between my mom and dad about anything, well, she obviously hasn't been in Oakdale long enough.

Dusty Donovan couldn't do it. Angel Lange couldn't do it. Caleb Snyder, Derek Mason, Linc Lafferty, Sean Baxter, Colin Crowley, Keith Morrissy, Julie Wendell, Janice Maxwel, Julia Larrabee, my aunt Rose, my biological dad, Damian, even an actual operation that cut out the part of my dad's brain where he remembered Mom... even that couldn't keep them apart in the end.

I used to think Jade was pretty smart. At least she's good at thinking on her feet. First, she's my cousin, then she's not, then she's my girlfriend, then she's a librarian (yeah, I know, not what I would have expected either). She's quick, I'll give her that. But, in the end, anyone who thinks they can get between Holden and Lily Snyder, they're, frankly, kinda stupid...

2006-04-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

I’ve been causing problems for my parents for a long time. For one thing, I was born on the kitchen floor of my Grandma Emma’s farm – probably not Mom’s first choice for a delivery site. And then my biological dad, Damian’s, mother, tried to poison and kill my mom so she could have me all to herself (yeah, I was pretty cute and yeah, she was pretty nuts). A couple of years later, Damian kidnapped me and faked my death to keep me safe from some family enemies. My dad, Holden, got tangled up in that as well. (And we all learned that my Grandmother Lucinda packs a mean pistol).

And then there was the whole thing with Julia Larabee, when Mom confessed to her murder because she was afraid I’d done it. And my getting drunk and lost in Mexico. My mom was willing to marry that jerk Keith to get me a healthy kidney for a transplant.

So how have I repaid my parents for all that they’ve done for me? Let’s see, I’ve worried them sick with my drinking, I’ve lied to them, and I’ve practically blackmailed them over this Jade thing.

Why is it, the harder I try to protect them, the more damage I spew? I would never ever do anything deliberately to hurt my family. So why does it feel like that’s all I’m doing these days?

2006-03-28T06:38:00.000-08:00

It's obvious I'm not cut out for this lying thing. You know how people say lying makes them sick? Well, in my case, really, I've been feeling like crap ever since I let Jade talk me into telling my parents we're a couple. Not that it's all her fault. I didn't have to go along. I could have looked my mom and dad right in the eye and said, "Hey, you know what? I'm gay, how's that for a late Christmas present?"

But I didn't.

Instead, I started lying and I've had no chance to give it up since. Now I can't sleep, my head hurts, my stomach is churning, I'm either too hot or too cold all the time and my back is killing me. This hole is just getting deeper and deeper with no end in sight, so any suggestion for digging my way out of it — hey, I'm all ears!

2006-03-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

Some people have normal grandmothers. They bake cookies, collect glass figurines, darn things... Heck, I even have one of those myself. My Grandma Emma, Dad's mother (she's also my biological great-grandmother on my mother's side. Don't ask. Just scroll a few posts down for a quick climb up the tangled Snyder family tree). And anyway, even Grandma Emma mixes up her cookie baking and her darning with wood chopping and tractor driving, so she's not exactly your typical Granny-type, either.

But then, there is my Grandmother Lucinda.

Lucinda Walsh does not bake. She does not darn or chop. Lucinda Walsh merges, acquires and consolidates. Lucinda Walsh does not suffer fools gladly. And she has even less patience for liars.

Which is why even though so far, for those who are keeping score, I've lied to my dad, my mom, my sisters and my best friend, when it came to lying to my Grandmother, I thought the jig was up.

Nobody looks Lucinda Walsh in the eye and lies to her. We're talking CEOs and Heads of State who've practically burst into tears trying to pull one over on her. If they couldn't do it, what chance did I have, you know?

I really thought it was all over. But then I caught a break. Lucinda didn't ask me if I was in love with Jade. She told me she didn't believe the story about me and Jade, but then she only asked me if I could look her in the eye and say that I was in love, period. And that's a pretty easy question to answer honestly. Even to Lucinda Walsh.

2006-03-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

Does it still count as being played if you know that it's being done to you and you go ahead anyway?

Because, I'm not an idiot, I could see what Jade was doing. The minute she came running to me to confess that she's not really my cousin, I had to wonder what was in it for her. That line about just wanting to be a part of the family -- what's so great about being a part of the Snyder family? I love my mom and dad, but if you're walking down the street, waiting to get hit by a car so you can claim to be a long-lost relative, maybe the Snyders shouldn't be your first choice. We've always got some major drama or another going on in our house. Maybe you'd want to look for someplace a little saner, you know?

On the other hand, we're what she got. Only now Mom knows Jade isn't really Aunt Rose's daughter, so I can't see her letting Jade hang around here much longer.

Leave it to Jade, though, to have a back-up plan. And it's a hell of a plan, if I do say so myself. I thought my head was going to explode when she first suggested it. The words "no" and "way" were practically shooting from my brain and out my mouth. When Jade said that thing about me knowing how much it hurts to want something so badly while knowing that you can't have it.
That's what I mean about knowing I was being played. She was totally using what I'd told her about me and Kevin against me. Or maybe it was for me. By the time Jade was finished, I didn't know if I was coming or going. All I knew was that her logic made a weird kind of sense. Her plan can help both of us out. As long as it doesn't kill my mom in the process.

If my mom ever finds this blog, I'm really, really sorry. But I didn't know what else to do.

2006-03-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

I gave my dad a chance. After all the hints he's been throwing my way and all the questions that aren't really questions, I thought: let's just do it already. Jade didn't freak when I told her I was in love with Kevin. The world didn't end, nobody died. Maybe it'll be the same with Dad. Maybe it will be better if we get everything out in the open. Maybe my Dad is ready to listen to me.
So I gave him a chance. When he wanted to know why I was talking to Kevin and then looked like he didn't believe me when I lied that I was warning him to stay away from Jade, I told Dad to go ahead, ask me anything he wants, I'll tell him the truth, I swear it.

There was this pause, then. I could see him thinking about it. It was all over his face. He wanted to get it settled, too. He's just as sick of the lies as I am, I know it. But he chickened out. My dad, who can get in a stall with an unbroken horse and stare him down, who took on goons with guns to protect me in Malta and in Mexico, and, even scarier, took on my grandmother Lucinda to be with my mom; my dad, the bravest man I know, chickened out. Didn't ask me a damn thing. Just dropped the whole conversation.

Now what the hell am I supposed to think, when the scariest thing in my brave hero dad's life... is me?

2006-03-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

Every time I imagined saying the words out loud, every time I imagined admitting that I was in love with Kevin, I'd hear me saying the words in my head, and then everything would just stop, it'd freeze like a video-tape got stuck in the machine or hitting pause on your DVD player. Because I couldn't imagine what would come next. It was like the world coming to an end. News Bulletin: Luke Snyder Comes Out of the Closet and Universe Implodes.

But it didn't turn out like that at all. When I told Jade about Kevin, the words just came out of me. I'd been lying for weeks now, so saying something I knew for a fact to be true was finally a relief.

Jade didn't even look too shocked. I guess she suspected it all along, which is why she asked me in the first place, but having her take it so easily... I didn't even know I'd been holding my breath, waiting for her reaction, until she didn't freak out and I could breathe again.

I told her I was in love with Kevin. That made it real. It's not a secret anymore. It's a fact. I love Kevin. It's really happening.

2006-02-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

It's not as if I like lying to my dad. Some people, I know, they get off on pulling one over on their parents and then bragging about what idiots Mom and Dad are. That's not my thing. And not because I'm some kiss-ass who never does anything wrong or because I'm afraid of getting caught.

I just think lying's more trouble than it's worth. First, you've got to think of a story, then you've got to remember the story, then you've got to set it up so that all your facts fit... hell, lying is supposed to make life easier, right? How's all that work easier?

But tonight is a different case. No way is Dad letting me go to the concert if he thinks Kevin is going to be there, and he certainly won't let me hang out after. So this is his doing. He's practically forced me to lie to him. If Dad thinks I'm out with Jade, he won't care what we're doing or how late we are getting home. Jade's supposed to be a good influence on me. Not like Kevin. Jade's nothing like Kevin.

2006-02-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

I'm glad Jade suggested we take Faith and Natalie out of the house so Mom and Dad can have some privacy on Valentine's Day. The last thing I need is to hang around while they're making cow eyes and holding hands under the table and acting like I'm five years old and don't know what's going on.

I mean, I get it, my parents have sex. That's what married people do, that's where babies come from, perfectly natural, circle of life, crank up the Elton John. I get it fine, no need to rub my face in it.

Not sure what the big deal is about Valentine's Day, anyway. Isn't love supposed to be something you celebrate all year round? I mean, you can't help when you feel it, so why obsess on one day to say it? And how are dead flowers and squashed candy supposed to prove that you really care about a person? Is it really that simple? Here - have a red box shaped like an internal organ and now you know exactly what I'm feeling and thinking and will you be mine and all that crap forever and ever?

Yeah. Like that's all you need to get the job done.

2006-02-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

I have never been happier to meet a long lost relative.

And you've got to understand, this happens a lot in Oakdale. There was Aunt Rose, the identical twin Mom never knew she had until they were adults. There's my biological dad, Damian, who likes to pop up when you least expect it. There's my other dad, Holden's, daughter, Abigail, who he only met when she was a teen, and his son, Aaron, who he knew about, but figured was living all out of sight and out of mind with his mom and my Uncle Caleb in Seattle.

So we're used to this surprise family reunion, and I've kind of learned to go with the flow and not question it too much. But this is the first time I've ever been really happy about it.

Turns out the girl I accidentaly hit with my car, not only is she going to be okay, but she also says she's Aunt Rose's daughter, given up for adoption when she was a baby! None of us had any idea Rose had a daughter.

I can see that Mom and Dad aren't 100 percent buying it yet. But you know what, Jade showing up has really taken the heat off me and the chorus of "What's really going on, Luke?" that's like, my parents new favorite mantra.

They've finally got another kid and her secrets to focus on. I hope Cousin Jade sticks around Oakdale for a nice, long time.

2006-02-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

Don’t die, okay? Whatever you do, just don’t die.

I can not believe how stupid I was. My parents clearly said I couldn’t go to the party. Grounded, blah, blah, blah… Too young to drink, yadda, yadda, yadda… You just had a kidney transplant, those things don’t grow on trees, you know… same old, same old.

I should have listened to them and just stayed away. But Kevin said… It doesn’t matter what he said, I didn’t have to listen. I was an idiot and I went and I had a beer and the least I could have done was not drive home, but I was scared Mom and Dad would come back before I did and realize I wasn’t in the house, so I was speeding. Or maybe I wasn’t speeding, but it was dark, and I didn’t see her, honest, I didn’t.

I’m so sorry. Just don’t die.

2006-02-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

You'd think my parents would be pretty open-minded. You know that expression: Bob's your uncle? Well, in my case, my dad really is my mom's uncle!

It's one of those only in Oakdale stories but, basically, my mom is adopted, and when she first started dating my dad, she didn't know that her bio-mom was Dad's older sister. Dad found out first, and he freaked. But then it turned out okay because she was just his adopted older sister, meaning mom and dad weren't actually related. Which, you know, is good for them.

It also means that my Grandma Emma is also my Great-Grandma Emma, that my mom is also my cousin and that -- I actually figured this out once -- I am my own first cousin once removed.
I think about my mom and dad and their weird relationship a lot. I wonder what would have happened if they didn't get lucky and they really did turn out to be related. Would they have still gotten together? They were totally in love. Mom always talks about how all it took was seeing dad once, and she knew that he was different. That the way she felt about him was different than she'd ever felt about any other guy.

So what would she have done if he turned out to be her uncle for real? Would they have said to hell with it, who cares what other people think is wrong, this is the way we feel and we're going for it? I think about that a lot.

2006-01-31T11:59:00.000-08:00

My parents are never going to understand. If they ever find out the truth – they’ll hate me. I know that much already, even if they don’t. My parents are always telling me how they’re not perfect, how they make mistakes, too, blah, blah, blah…. But then they turn around and act like they know everything about everything and I’m just some stupid little kid who doesn’t even understand what’s going on around him.

Well, surprise, I’m not stupid. I knew when they were having marriage problems long before they told me they were splitting up. And I knew that Dad wanted Mom back before he’d admit it to anybody, even himself.

Now that they’re back together, my parents are acting like everything that happened last year was this hiccough, and now we can all go back to being this happy, picture perfect family. You know, the kind that prompts other people to gush, “Oh, we admire you so much and aren’t you just wonderful, how do you do it all?”

My mom likes for people to believe that everything is fine. And Dad goes along, because what makes Mom happy always comes first with him. Always.

They say they’ll always love me, even if I’m not perfect. But they’re imagining dumb crap like me failing a class, or crashing the family car, or forgetting to come home in time to baby-sit my sisters. They’re thinking about stuff that I might do. Stuff that can be fixed.

This is different. This is about who I am.

And I don’t think I’m fixable.