Thursday, May 25, 2006

My mother is getting completely out of hand. Now she's hiring some guy to spy on me? What? So she can catch me doing something gay?

I mean, what does she expect to achieve by this? Is she so messed up by the idea that in the past sixteen years I might have dared to have a thought or an emotion or an opinion that I didn't run by her first that she wants to make sure it never happens again?

And this guy she's got tailing me - He isn't even very good at it. I mean, I saw him when I was talking to Will. That couldn't be part of the game plan.

Unless maybe my mother WANTS me to know that I'm being followed. Maybe she thinks it will make me "straighten" out and fly right.

This is all such a mind trip. I can't live like this. I'm not going to let her do this to me. I wish my Dad were home.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

My mother told my grandmother Lucinda about my being gay. And my grandmother was... happy to hear it.

Can you believe that? She was actually happy to hear that I was gay. Because she'd known for months that I was miserable about something, and now that it's out in the open, she says I can relax.

How cool is that?

Now if only my mom could just stop looking at me like I'm her Little Disappointment.

In the Comments section of my earlier post, Mary wrote:

You pointed out how not-so-Li'l Lily wants to make this all about her so she can wallow in the bad hand motherhood dealt her.

Is that really what all this is about? Is this really more about my mom feeling like a failure because she didn't know that I was gay than it is about me being gay in the first place?

Monday, May 15, 2006

It’s bad enough when you’re a little kid and you think you don’t need a jacket, but your parents tell you that you do so you have to put it on. Or when you’re sure that horror movie all your friends saw won’t scare you, but your parents think it will, so you can’t watch it. They tell you they’re doing it for your own good and that you’re too young to know what’s best for you or to make up your own mind. But I thought that kind of stuff would be done with by the time I got taller than they are.

Apparently not. Now that I’m too old to dress or keep out of R-rated movies, my mom doesn’t think I know my own mind about being gay.

Does she really think I would have come out to her and Dad if I was still flipping coins about it? Does she think it’s something I actually decided instead of just being something I know?

No one asks straight people, "So, are you sure you’re straight? When did you decide you were straight? Have you ever considered trying out the alternative to make sure you really are straight?"

You know how I’m sure that straight people don’t get asked any of that? Because - no matter how much my mom hated Jade, no matter how much she wanted us to break up and for me to hook up with someone else, never, not even once, did she ask me, "So, Luke, have you considered trying boys just to make sure you really know your own mind?"

The defense, as they say, rests.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Well, to all the people who read my blog regularly and have been commenting for me to get on with it already – I did it. I told my parents I was gay.

Dad already knows, of course. He said he didn’t, but we both know he did. At least, he suspected. Which is probably why it wasn’t such a big shock to him and he could take it all so calmly. I didn’t expect that. I mean, my dad is the big, hetro-stud. Other than Natalie, Faith and the baby he and mom are about to have, he also has a daughter, Abigail, from this girl he dated in high school, and another son, Aaron, with the woman who is now married to my Uncle Caleb. (I know, I know, it’s complicated; don’t ask).

I thought hearing I was gay would flip Dad out. But he just kept saying that I was his son and he loved me and everything was going to be okay. I wanted to believe him so much.

And it was okay. With Dad. But the reaction I got from Mom...

You know, I expected her to be shocked but to be honest; I never thought she’d take it harder than Dad. I mean, he’s the guy, he’s supposed to be the one with the issues. But it was Mom, instead.

First, she told me I was just confused. Like I’ve been killing myself for the last few months to keep this a secret, when I wasn’t sure who I was or what I wanted.

And then she thought Jade put me up to this. But, if she’d been thinking clearly, she’d have seen that there was nothing in this for Jade. Jade’s only in clover if I was still using her as my beard. Once I come out, Jade loses everything, so why would Jade put me up to this?

And then, I guess to avoid thinking about me, Mom went on the offensive with Dad, asking him how he could have kept this from her?

They’re fighting again. About me. I knew this would happen. I knew it.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I am going to come out to my parents. Soon. But I figured I needed a little warm-up exercise first. So I started by telling my friend, Will Munson.

Guess what? Just like when I told Jade, Will’s head didn’t explode either. He was surprised, sure, but he’d have been surprised by any out of the blue news I threw at him. And afterwards, he was chill, like it was no big deal, just life, you know?

It’s weird, me and Will. When we were growing up, I was the good kid every mother wanted playdates with, and Will was the one who had… issues. There was this time people thought he burned down a barn. And then he accidentally killed his brother’s girlfriend and ended up in a mental institution.

We read this book for English class a couple of years ago, "The Great Gatsby." The first lines are:

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.

"Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you’ve had."

I actually thought about Will when I first read it. Will and his mom, Barbara Ryan, who, in just the time I’ve been old enough to pay attention, has gone crazy and committed at least a half-dozen felonies, plus a bunch of misdemeanors, all while swearing she did it all to protect her kids, Paul, Jennifer and Will.

It’s no wonder Will was a little (okay, a lot, and he’d be the first one to say it) messed up growing up. And no wonder that, when I told him how nervous I was about coming out to Mom and Dad, he told me not to sweat it. Will said I have great parents.

I know he’s right.

I hope he’s right.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

You know when I said Jade may have been stupid, but she wasn’t dumb? Well, she certainly hit it right on the head today when she told me that she’s not the one lying to my mom anymore - I am.

She’s right. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about it - which is how I deal with all my problems; I am excellent at the bury your head in the sand (or bottle) technique.

I can’t really get all on Jade’s case about being a liar when I’m doing the same thing. So I’ve made up my mind. I’m telling my folks the truth. I’m telling my Mom and Dad that I’m gay.

In other words, that sound you’re about to hear? That’s lifelong perfect, little boy Luke Snyder breaking his parents’ hearts.