Tuesday, March 28, 2006

It's obvious I'm not cut out for this lying thing. You know how people say lying makes them sick? Well, in my case, really, I've been feeling like crap ever since I let Jade talk me into telling my parents we're a couple. Not that it's all her fault. I didn't have to go along. I could have looked my mom and dad right in the eye and said, "Hey, you know what? I'm gay, how's that for a late Christmas present?"

But I didn't.

Instead, I started lying and I've had no chance to give it up since. Now I can't sleep, my head hurts, my stomach is churning, I'm either too hot or too cold all the time and my back is killing me. This hole is just getting deeper and deeper with no end in sight, so any suggestion for digging my way out of it — hey, I'm all ears!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Some people have normal grandmothers. They bake cookies, collect glass figurines, darn things... Heck, I even have one of those myself. My Grandma Emma, Dad's mother (she's also my biological great-grandmother on my mother's side. Don't ask. Just scroll a few posts down for a quick climb up the tangled Snyder family tree). And anyway, even Grandma Emma mixes up her cookie baking and her darning with wood chopping and tractor driving, so she's not exactly your typical Granny-type, either.

But then, there is my Grandmother Lucinda.

Lucinda Walsh does not bake. She does not darn or chop. Lucinda Walsh merges, acquires and consolidates. Lucinda Walsh does not suffer fools gladly. And she has even less patience for liars.

Which is why even though so far, for those who are keeping score, I've lied to my dad, my mom, my sisters and my best friend, when it came to lying to my Grandmother, I thought the jig was up.

Nobody looks Lucinda Walsh in the eye and lies to her. We're talking CEOs and Heads of State who've practically burst into tears trying to pull one over on her. If they couldn't do it, what chance did I have, you know?

I really thought it was all over. But then I caught a break. Lucinda didn't ask me if I was in love with Jade. She told me she didn't believe the story about me and Jade, but then she only asked me if I could look her in the eye and say that I was in love, period. And that's a pretty easy question to answer honestly. Even to Lucinda Walsh.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Does it still count as being played if you know that it's being done to you and you go ahead anyway?

Because, I'm not an idiot, I could see what Jade was doing. The minute she came running to me to confess that she's not really my cousin, I had to wonder what was in it for her. That line about just wanting to be a part of the family -- what's so great about being a part of the Snyder family? I love my mom and dad, but if you're walking down the street, waiting to get hit by a car so you can claim to be a long-lost relative, maybe the Snyders shouldn't be your first choice. We've always got some major drama or another going on in our house. Maybe you'd want to look for someplace a little saner, you know?

On the other hand, we're what she got. Only now Mom knows Jade isn't really Aunt Rose's daughter, so I can't see her letting Jade hang around here much longer.

Leave it to Jade, though, to have a back-up plan. And it's a hell of a plan, if I do say so myself. I thought my head was going to explode when she first suggested it. The words "no" and "way" were practically shooting from my brain and out my mouth. When Jade said that thing about me knowing how much it hurts to want something so badly while knowing that you can't have it.
That's what I mean about knowing I was being played. She was totally using what I'd told her about me and Kevin against me. Or maybe it was for me. By the time Jade was finished, I didn't know if I was coming or going. All I knew was that her logic made a weird kind of sense. Her plan can help both of us out. As long as it doesn't kill my mom in the process.

If my mom ever finds this blog, I'm really, really sorry. But I didn't know what else to do.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I gave my dad a chance. After all the hints he's been throwing my way and all the questions that aren't really questions, I thought: let's just do it already. Jade didn't freak when I told her I was in love with Kevin. The world didn't end, nobody died. Maybe it'll be the same with Dad. Maybe it will be better if we get everything out in the open. Maybe my Dad is ready to listen to me.
So I gave him a chance. When he wanted to know why I was talking to Kevin and then looked like he didn't believe me when I lied that I was warning him to stay away from Jade, I told Dad to go ahead, ask me anything he wants, I'll tell him the truth, I swear it.

There was this pause, then. I could see him thinking about it. It was all over his face. He wanted to get it settled, too. He's just as sick of the lies as I am, I know it. But he chickened out. My dad, who can get in a stall with an unbroken horse and stare him down, who took on goons with guns to protect me in Malta and in Mexico, and, even scarier, took on my grandmother Lucinda to be with my mom; my dad, the bravest man I know, chickened out. Didn't ask me a damn thing. Just dropped the whole conversation.

Now what the hell am I supposed to think, when the scariest thing in my brave hero dad's life... is me?

Friday, March 03, 2006

Every time I imagined saying the words out loud, every time I imagined admitting that I was in love with Kevin, I'd hear me saying the words in my head, and then everything would just stop, it'd freeze like a video-tape got stuck in the machine or hitting pause on your DVD player. Because I couldn't imagine what would come next. It was like the world coming to an end. News Bulletin: Luke Snyder Comes Out of the Closet and Universe Implodes.

But it didn't turn out like that at all. When I told Jade about Kevin, the words just came out of me. I'd been lying for weeks now, so saying something I knew for a fact to be true was finally a relief.

Jade didn't even look too shocked. I guess she suspected it all along, which is why she asked me in the first place, but having her take it so easily... I didn't even know I'd been holding my breath, waiting for her reaction, until she didn't freak out and I could breathe again.

I told her I was in love with Kevin. That made it real. It's not a secret anymore. It's a fact. I love Kevin. It's really happening.