Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Well, to all the people who read my blog regularly and have been commenting for me to get on with it already – I did it. I told my parents I was gay.

Dad already knows, of course. He said he didn’t, but we both know he did. At least, he suspected. Which is probably why it wasn’t such a big shock to him and he could take it all so calmly. I didn’t expect that. I mean, my dad is the big, hetro-stud. Other than Natalie, Faith and the baby he and mom are about to have, he also has a daughter, Abigail, from this girl he dated in high school, and another son, Aaron, with the woman who is now married to my Uncle Caleb. (I know, I know, it’s complicated; don’t ask).

I thought hearing I was gay would flip Dad out. But he just kept saying that I was his son and he loved me and everything was going to be okay. I wanted to believe him so much.

And it was okay. With Dad. But the reaction I got from Mom...

You know, I expected her to be shocked but to be honest; I never thought she’d take it harder than Dad. I mean, he’s the guy, he’s supposed to be the one with the issues. But it was Mom, instead.

First, she told me I was just confused. Like I’ve been killing myself for the last few months to keep this a secret, when I wasn’t sure who I was or what I wanted.

And then she thought Jade put me up to this. But, if she’d been thinking clearly, she’d have seen that there was nothing in this for Jade. Jade’s only in clover if I was still using her as my beard. Once I come out, Jade loses everything, so why would Jade put me up to this?

And then, I guess to avoid thinking about me, Mom went on the offensive with Dad, asking him how he could have kept this from her?

They’re fighting again. About me. I knew this would happen. I knew it.


Blogger Mark Spies said...

Luke, take this from someone who's done it: Coming out to your parents was the brave thing to do. It was the only thing to do. And in the long run, it was the best thing to do. You've done the most difficult thing a gay person with caring parents has to do. Now for the second most difficult thing: not blaming yourself for the fallout. I know your Mom reacted less than desirably, but remember, you and Holden have had a long time to get used to the idea. This is a bombshell for Lily. Just give her time. She'll come around. ALL the people I know who've had good relationships with their parents before they came out, eventually get as close or even closer than they were before they came out. Just hang in there, Bud. It's going to be all right. Now for the "but". BUT, I'm worried about what Jade is going to do.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Abigail Garner said...

Congratulations on coming out to your folks!

Be gentle with yourself and be patient with them.

You might be interested in an article I wrote about coming out.

4:40 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Abigail, your article is both insightful and eloquent. I especially agree with the part about patience. As for Luke, If he or his family have problems dealing with these new developments, I hope they seek out one or more of the organizations designed to help with coming out issues. While my family and I worked things out on our own, several of my friends went to PFLAG, and they were instrumental in getting the lines of communication open again. But from what I know of Luke's relatives, he'll receive more support than condemnation.

5:03 PM  
Blogger Nic said...

Mark, I agree with you completely.

Luke, Yes, you and your father have had time to get used to it, remember how he was acting when he first suspected it? Give your mom time...she'll come around, it's just so shocking to her at the moment, I'm sure. And no blame goes to you, it was either tell them or lie to them forever, would you have been happy trying to act straight infront of everyone? Not being able to be in a full open relationship because your family doesn't know? I doubt it, give it time.

Best wishes though!

6:59 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

Well, hon, lord knows I'm not your mom's biggest fan, but give her a little bit of time to process as they say.

I mean, her hormones are all insane, what with having the Devil's baby and all.

Now, you need to quit thinking about them and think about yourself. You have just faced up to a fact that will inform your entire identity. You have to deal with this as much as everyone else.

I think Abigail's article says it best: Coming Out Is A Lifelong Process.

Congratulations, hon, good luck and hold your head high.

Love, luck and lollipops!

7:12 PM  
Blogger Alison Stewart said...

I'm sorry that Lily reacted a little harsher than what you wished for, I know how important family is to you, give her some time.....like she said she had so many dreams for you and now those have to be altered. I know that she will come around eventually, Holden has had so much time to deal with this, remember how mad he was at Kevin? Your mom still loves you and will always love you, it is just all new to her, please please be patient.

If you ever need anything please give me or aaron a call...Don't give up..we love you

9:37 PM  
Blogger Dennis said...

Luke, don't worry about your mom. I went thru the same thing a few years ago when I was twice your age. You're going to have a much better start in life being honest now rather than waiting even longer.

I've "knonw" your mom and dad since Lilly was younger than you are now. She's a very cool lady, except for that time when she got taller, and just needs time to adjust. Get your dad to take her to a PFLAG meeting. If there isn't a chapter in Oakdale, I know there are chapters in Chicago.

Hang in there, kid!


4:15 PM  
Blogger pH said...

Good on you, mr! i personally think moms take it the hardest! my mom is still not used to the idea of her 1st born to be gay and having 'relations' with other guys! my dad was also very blase about it. "yeah, whatever, i knew. enjoy, live your life!" well, good on you once again!

1:06 AM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Luke, I know emotions are running high at your house, but I really think you should cut your parents some slack. You really flew off the handle today by threatening to leave if they couldn't accept you. You can't make them suddenly accept you by bullying them into it.In your present upset state, you don't see that they ARE trying. I know you wish this process was immediate, but it does take time, and blackmailing them into embracing your gayness is a really bad idea. You've put them in a position where they don't know WHAT to say or do. I've said it before, and I can't stress it enough: Be patient. It will pay off in the long run

7:40 PM  
Blogger Rose D'angelo said...

Mark's right, Luciano. Now is the time to TALK to Lily and Holden, not run away. If you leave, you're pretty much sending them the message that you've given up on them. I know that's not what you really want. You have the chance to help them understand not only what it's like to be gay, but more importantly, all you've been going through this past year. If you could express yourself to them as well as you do in your blogs, they probably would start to get the picture. Maybe you should let them read some of them. Love,

8:02 PM  

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