Tuesday, May 16, 2006

My mother told my grandmother Lucinda about my being gay. And my grandmother was... happy to hear it.

Can you believe that? She was actually happy to hear that I was gay. Because she'd known for months that I was miserable about something, and now that it's out in the open, she says I can relax.

How cool is that?

Now if only my mom could just stop looking at me like I'm her Little Disappointment.

In the Comments section of my earlier post, Mary wrote:

You pointed out how not-so-Li'l Lily wants to make this all about her so she can wallow in the bad hand motherhood dealt her.

Is that really what all this is about? Is this really more about my mom feeling like a failure because she didn't know that I was gay than it is about me being gay in the first place?

17 Comments:

Blogger Dennis said...

Luke,

I'm not surprised by Lucinda's reaction one bit. Sure, she can be a piece of work but family always comes first for La Walsh.

Now get your grandmother to write a big fat check to PFLAG to fund an Oakdale chapter. There's isn't an Oakdale, IL chapter listed at pflag.org and it would be just like Lucinda to spend money to help a family situation. :)

Don't take the comments about your mom too seriously. She's not quite the spoiled rich girl some think she is. Holden woldn't put up with her if she was.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

Luke, hon, I don't think it's about your mom feeling like a failure about anything.

She's really just thinking about how it affects her view of the world. That, I think, is why she's looking down her nose, over her rose colored glasses at you.

She told Lucinda this isn't the life she had planned for you and made some noise about how if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, you could get hurt. But, like Lucinda said, you could drop dead from that bum kidney tomorrow, so Lil's argument doesn't hold water.

Then, Lil wanted to make it all about her again when she tried to take the blame for you being gay because she was an overbearing mother. Once again, Lucinda, Queen of the Overbearing Mothers, told her to shut up because if that were true, Lily would be a big old lesbian today.

You know what, hon? Lucinda puts the Grand in grandmother. Even if your mother never comes around, you've got a support base that cannot be beat. You're pretty lucky there.

So, take my advice with a big old salt lick if you want; but, I think you should cut yourself some slack and not try carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

5:27 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

That should have read "to carry."

I also have to say one more time to Just Say No to Jade.

As Lynda Barry wrote: There are rotten people in the world that cannot be cured by magical hippy love.

They will always be the way they are if they are friends/romantic partners/parents/co-workers/dude who just cut you off in his Acura/ Get Away From Them! Do not linger!

You cannot fix Dracula by trying to convince him to just party in the sun with you.

Kisses!

5:41 PM  
Blogger Nic said...

Of course Lucinda is happy to hear it, they finally know why you were so down and out. You have one mighty cool grandmother my friend...

And yes, it seems as though Miss Mary is somewhat right...but not fully in my opinion (that's the great thing about opinions, everyone has one). Like I said before, take everything with a grain of salt hun.

6:37 PM  
Blogger Alison Stewart said...

Luke,
Hey don't be too down on your mother. She told you today that she needed some time....maybe you should try giving it to her. Let her come around. Let her reach out to you. I know that she will, just please be patient.
I am glad that Lucinda is happy for you.
Hang in there
Ali

7:02 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Luke, I'm not one to say I told you so, but in this case...Of course, it's easy to gloat now, but I knew Lucinda wouldn't let you down. After all, you are her last living grandson. If only yor mom had inherited her insight. In time, I believe she will. Meanwhile, you can at least breathe a bit more easily knowing you have someone you love on your side. It'll make it easierto wait for Lily to come around.

8:28 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Mary, congrats on being quoted by La Lucci! You go girl! (I mean you, Mary)

8:30 PM  
Blogger Bijou Clochard said...

Luke - I say relax a little and be happy that you no longer have to carry the burden of lying... I think you just need a hot make-out session with some cute dude and you will be a lot happier!

7:01 AM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

You know, Mark, hon, that is a hoot and a half, being quoted and all.

Now, maybe, I can get on E!

Kisses!

7:10 PM  
Blogger Kim from Vegas said...

Hi -
Luke - I do think a big part is the fact that Lily had no clue something like this would happen. As a Mom - you want to believe that your kid wouldn't have to "come out" to you - you would *see* something and you would know.
Like the story of Melissa Etheridge when she came out to her Dad?
She was all nervous and scared because she thought her Dad had no clue she was a lesbian and he would freak. She sat him down and tried to tell him very gently, with lots of sensitivity.
He burst out laughing and said something like "Oh, for Heaven's sake! You scared me half to death! I thought you were going to tell me you have Cancer or something. For crying out loud, I figured out you were a lesbian years ago!"
They laughed and hugged because she was so scared for nothing. Her Dad already knew and already accepted her just fine. That's the kind of relationship all parents like to think they have with their kids - including your Mom. Realizing you don't have that - has to hurt.
I think Lily feels like she failed you as a Mom because she didn't see - because she had no clue. I'd like to think she's not so homophobic that she can't accept a gay son. I'd rather think she's hurt that she didn't see what was going on until you finally spoke up to her and, maybe - she's a little hurt and angry that you didn't talk to her or give her some indication prior to this about what you are feeling.
Now, I'm not scolding you for that. I know it's scary and you needed time to be 'ready' to talk about your feelings. I'm just saying that's what - as a mother of a teenager myself - I think that's what Lily is feeling.
Of course, it's kinda silly. You were ready and willing to confess to a murder you didn't committ because you wanted to protect you Mom. That shows how much you love her - and what more could a Mom want? *smiles*
I'll be very disappointed in Lily if she doesn't come to terms with this. You're a good kid, Luke. You're smart, handsome and funny. You're very sweet and brave. The fact that you are gay doesn't change the fact that any parents should consider themselves very lucky to have you for their son.
It might be a good idea for you to go stay with your Grandma for a little while and give your mom some time to come to terms with this. But, don't burn any bridges permanently. Just take care of yourself and your health. I don't think any of us want to see you back in the hospital with another kidney infection!
The most important thing you can do - I think - is to forgive your Mom for being "Freaked out" right now. Then, take care of yourself. Be strong and stay healthy.

Kim

5:58 AM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Luke, the cynic in me agrees with you. Your mother IS trying to make this about her. Just take a look at her profile (no, not her physical profile, Mary!). She has always been very used to getting her own way. By her own admission, "Lily Snyder gets what Lily Snyder wants." Now that you've come out, she's confused at best. She's disappointed, not only that she's not getting the life she planned for you, but also that she probably won't have a grandchild from you. And yes, she's disappointed in herself for not knowing you were gay. Add in some guilt that she must have done something to make you gay (again, about her), combine that with the fear that something terrible will eventually happen to you due to being gay, and then top it all off with the raging hormones of a pregnant woman, and you have quite the emotional cocktail. On the plus side, yo do have Lucinda to keep Lily in check, and if Lily listens to her, eventually things will go back to almost normal again. By the way, what's your biological dad doing back in town?

3:18 PM  
Blogger Dennis said...

Mark,

Lily is having a natural reaction when she wonders if Luke being gay is anything she did. I know from personal experience; nearly all parents wonder, at least at first, where they "went wrong".

While my partner and I aren't planning to have children, you're a little off the mark that Luke won't ever have kids. My partner and I are in our 41 (together for nearly 8 years but only living together for 2.5) so we don't want to start a "late" family. But someone's Luke's age, there's no reason why he and a future partner can't have a family.

This is Oakdale, afterall. Anything could happen.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Dennis, first, with all due respect, you misread me. I said Luke PROBABLY won't have kids. You do have to admit that being gay makes the prospect somewhat less likely. Also, I agree with you about a mother's feelings of guilt. My mother was no exception. But she felt bad because whatever she (thought she) did to make me gay would impact me for the rest of my life, more so negatively than positively. With Lily, one could suspect that her guilt is a bit more self centered, meaning that whatever SHE thought she did to make Luke gay would impact HER for the rest of HER life. But Lily is not entirely to blame for her self-centeredness. She's been spoiled from day one. Lucinda, Holden, Iva, and even Emma contributed to it. The only people who didn't let her get away with stuff were Sierra and Rose, and look what happened to them! Also, congratulations on finding an LTR. I was also lucky to have found someone to be "married to" for 15 years, although we didn't find each other until we were in our mid-30'S. Better late than never, huh?

4:06 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

Mark, hon, I totally agree with what you say about Lily making Luke's reveal all about her.

Luke, bless your little heart,hon, is upset because he feels she pities him. In actuality, she pities herself.

If they were to make a Lifetime movie about her(starring Jaclyn Smith!) it would be called Lily Loves Pity.

Kisses!

6:02 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Mary, now that you mention it, Lily was like that many years ago. I remember my grandmother referring to Lily as a "sadsack" and a "milktoast", and that was a couple of years before she died in 1998. And yes, it would make a great Lifetime movie, but the title is a tossup between "Lily Loves Pity" and "Lily Loves Lily"!

7:22 PM  
Blogger Alison Stewart said...

Hey Luke,
Have you tried to talk to kevin in a while?? He has been talking about you over on his blog....I think you should make an attempt to be his friend again.
Good Luck
Ali

9:20 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

Luke, hon, just keep on keeping on and don't let the insanity around you affect what should otherwise be a happy-go-lucky teen existence.

I mean, as far as your mom, Rosemary, is concerned, well, in the coming weeks, you may not even recognize her.

Kisses!

10:01 AM  

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