Thursday, March 09, 2006

I gave my dad a chance. After all the hints he's been throwing my way and all the questions that aren't really questions, I thought: let's just do it already. Jade didn't freak when I told her I was in love with Kevin. The world didn't end, nobody died. Maybe it'll be the same with Dad. Maybe it will be better if we get everything out in the open. Maybe my Dad is ready to listen to me.
So I gave him a chance. When he wanted to know why I was talking to Kevin and then looked like he didn't believe me when I lied that I was warning him to stay away from Jade, I told Dad to go ahead, ask me anything he wants, I'll tell him the truth, I swear it.

There was this pause, then. I could see him thinking about it. It was all over his face. He wanted to get it settled, too. He's just as sick of the lies as I am, I know it. But he chickened out. My dad, who can get in a stall with an unbroken horse and stare him down, who took on goons with guns to protect me in Malta and in Mexico, and, even scarier, took on my grandmother Lucinda to be with my mom; my dad, the bravest man I know, chickened out. Didn't ask me a damn thing. Just dropped the whole conversation.

Now what the hell am I supposed to think, when the scariest thing in my brave hero dad's life... is me?

32 Comments:

Blogger Nic said...

Aw....Luciano. I'm sorry. it sucks when your parents want to know something so bad but are afraid to say something.

I don't think your dad is afraid of what you are, I think he's afraid of how he'll handle it, or more...how you'll react towards him.

Best wishes though!

12:11 PM  
Blogger John Seip said...

Luke
Im sorry I agree with Nic.

Also dont give up on Kevin, He needs you as much as you need him.
Be honest and tell him that you love him.

Also dont let your guard down with Jade.

Take Care. Best of luck.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Lucy Montgomery said...

Luke,

I think Uncle Holden needs you to be up front with him. Get it out in the open so you can both deal with it and move on.

Lots of love,
Lucy

2:57 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Well said, Luke. But Holden isn't scared of you; he's scared of homosexuality. That's because he doesn't understand it. After all, who does he know who's gay? Tip: Jack knows that Holden suspects. Tell Jack and ask him what to do. Also, DON'T tell Kevin. It's too risky. If he doesn't feel the same way, or worse, if he hates gays, the consequences could be devastating. Instead, ask him general questions. See where he stands on the subject. But be warned: I'd be REALLY surprised if he were gay too. By the way, did it ever occur to you that YOU might not be gay? This could be some sort of misplaced crush. Try dating a girl just to see what happens. All this anguish you're going through could be completely unnecessary.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Bob Hughes said...

Luke, I agree with Mark.It's too early for you to determine your sexual orientation definitively. Have you ever even tried dating a girl yet? I must admit, I used to think maybe my grandson Casey was gay. He had all the signs: No girlfriend, great grades, very much into computers, etc. But we just gave him time to discover himself, and look at him now. Grades are down to average, and he's such a horndog now that he even became a dad, briefly. Yep, if there ever was a gay bone in his body, it's long gone. So you see Luke, there's hope for you yet!

5:13 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

Well,hon, at least your dad notices you. This one time I shaved half my head and all Mama Cherry said was "lose 10 pounds."

Your poor old dad,though. He wants to know,yet, at the same time he's afraid of knowing. Still, he has given you more than one chance to tell him. I say get off the pot and tell him you're queer, you're here and he better get used to it.

One thing about Kevin, hon. Um, you've mentioned he has a fractious relationship with his father who, according to you, hits him. Then, your dad wigs out and gets all up in his grill. So, naturally, he's not too keen on hanging with you.

With that in mind, why would you get all rough with him by grabbing him in the barn? Compared to you, he's practically a midget. That had to be more than a little intimidating.

Not exactly the way to win friends and influence people.

You take care now and stay away from that fried chicken.

6:54 PM  
Blogger Nic said...

Mark and Bob-

Pish posh...he could very well know at this age, he's not a little kid. My father is gay and knew by the time he was 15, and went into serious denial for years...and was ever considering suicide, that's not heathy. People don't seem to trust teenagers to know themselves. I mean when are we supposed to know? At 30? Ha.

Just saying.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Nic, I know. I was just playing devil's advocate. I knew when I was 15 that I was "different" but wouldn't allow myself to use the G word til I was 28. Those were rough years, but living in a small town, I was just too scared to take the risk. Today I've been "married" to my partner for fifteen years. We're still going strong, and now my only regret is not having come out sooner. So Luke, it can all work out well, no matter how your saga progresses. My only advice is for you to drop Kevin. He's a boozer and that's the last thing you need. Gay or straight. You can do better! On the other hand, if you're just too into him to let him go, at least try to get him to quit drinking. If he does, Holden might be less at odds with him.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Nic said...

Mark-

My dad came out when I was a tot. So I have been around it all my life, which I'm sure made it easier on me to come to terms with my own...colorfulness. lol. But still, I think he knows.

As for Kevin it seemed like he was letting up on the drinking thing a little bit, until all of this...
:-\

7:44 PM  
Blogger Alison Stewart said...

Hey Luke,
I think you should try to cut your dad some slack. You just talked about all the things that he has done for you, so obviously he loves you a lot. I think he is just as afraid to ask as you are to tell him. Not because he is afraid of you being gay, but because he doesn't know what to do. This situation is new to everyone. I don't want you to think that I'm blaming you for this, because I'm not. I just think that Holden needs you to be honest with him, it is tearing him up wondering what is bothering you so much.
I really hope that everything works out for you. Know that you have support in me if you ever need it.
Love Always,
Alison

9:32 PM  
Blogger OfficerPeterson said...

Luke,
I don't know if you should tell Kevin how you feel right away. Feel him out a little first. See how he feels about the idea of 2 guys. Maybe you could ask him if he's seen Brokeback Mountain? Does he watch Will & Grace? Queer Eye For The Straight guy. Watch his reaction. Tread easy. You should be yourself and be honest, but remember you can't take it back after you've said it. Kevin already has a lot of home problems and if he doesn't feel the way you do he might reject you. Not because he really wants to but because he might not be able to handle it at this point in his life. He might not be mature enough yet to handle it. Look before you leap.

12:40 PM  
Blogger OfficerPeterson said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Here's what I find completely unbelievable. Luke and Kevin have been alone and drunk several times. They even spent a night together after polishing off a whole bottle of vodka. They're teens, so even sober, their hormones are raging. And yet given all this, neither one of them has ever made a move on the other? It just doesn't add up, unless Kevin isn't gay and Luke is superhumanly self-controlled. Or unless the writers are too scared to show anything more than a backrub.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Bryant Montgomery's Ghost said...

Hey, man. Long time, no see. OK, you still can't see me, but cousin, can I see you.

That night you and Kevin got hammered in the pool house? Yeah, I was there. Saw it all. No one's going to hear it from me. Ha ha.

What I'm saying is that your parents are nice, reasonable people. They love you unconditionally, unlike my own dad. Well, OK, he loved me, but had a really messed-up way of showing it...

Anyway, I think your parents will understand, and even if they don't, at first, it is just out of worry for you. You know the stigma attached to being gay. Your parents would be idiots to not worry about you coming to harm. That doesn't mean they wouldn't love and support you.

Hang in there, dude. You and Kevin have a beautiful thing. He might have been too plowed to remember what happened between you. But just remember, when people are drunk, the truth comes out. Get it? "Comes out?"

I kill me.

Oh wait...

3:56 PM  
Blogger Hank Elliot said...

Mark, when I lived in Oakdale, the only affection I could show my lover was a brief hand on the shoulder!

My, how times(and regimes, so long MADD!)have changed.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

You know, hon, that Kevin is a cutie patootie. I've been wondering, though, if he is aware of how you feel and is teasing you with the backrubs and horseplay.

I've done it. Well, with boys anyway and my cousin Cary Cherry used to flirt with a gay friend of his because he liked the attention.

Oh, FYI, if you don't want your dad or anyone else to think you're gay, instead of sleeping with your cousin(can we get a big ew! here?) you could just stop looking at Kevin like he's a Hot Pocket.

Kisses!

5:13 PM  
Blogger Bob Hughes said...

Okay Luke, here's some grandfatherly advice:
Tell your Dad! This not knowing is driving him nuts! He won't ask because he dreads what you MIGHT say. Let him know what you're going through but
reassure him that you're still the same kid you were before you told him, and that you love him and the rest of your family just as much as before. The only difference is that now he knows you're gay, and the reason you told him is because yo love him and trust him to keep loving you. And in the scheme of things, is being gay really such a big deal?

6:11 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Hello Hank! Now there's a name from the past. It was pretty daring to introduce a gay character back then. What year was it anyway? As I recall you didn't stick around long, but while you were on, you were an inspiration to me. But didn't they kill you off with the big A? Also, I don't remember your lover. Did he have a name?

6:25 PM  
Blogger Rose D'angelo said...

Hey Luciano. Since it seems that both the ghosts AND the gays are coming out of the closet, I thought I'd put in my two cents. My poor sweet Luciano! It hurts me so to see you suffer, even from this side of the tracks. I wish there was something I could do to help. Hey, you know how I can appear to your Mom in a dream? Well, just give me the green light and I'll tell her you're gay myself! As for Jade, I bet you want to know if she's really my daughter. Well I can tell you here and now that she is absolutely, positively...wait, you're breaking up...

7:05 PM  
Blogger Nic said...

Mark-

Oh i know...I wonder. But ugh, in Oakdale I don't think it's smiled upon. (Though in all my perversion I would love to see.)

Mary-

You crack me up. But you are so right

Night...erm day of the living dead. Do they have computers in heaven? I guess so, or you just get someone to do it for yous. Haha.

Sad sad, I won't get to see this again till next week seeing as I'm gone, poo...take care Luciano, don't let Jade play you!

9:16 AM  
Blogger Lily Snyder said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:54 PM  
Blogger scruffhead said...

luke.........drop kevin. he's an idiot as well. whatever u do don't tell him anything. it will end in tears!!!! u know u r young.......focus on having fun. be a little flirty with uncle jack!!!! mmmmmmmmmmm

2:18 PM  
Blogger Lucy Montgomery said...

Bryant,

I miss you so very much. I hope you have found peace where you are. I always knew you were with us and I'm glad you are looking after our cousin. You were the best big brother a little sister could ask for. Rest in peace.

Love always,
Lucy

7:50 PM  
Blogger Alison Stewart said...

"Flirt with uncle Jack"
Why is everyone so obsessed with incest?

7:59 PM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Ally, do you have amnesia? Remember Emily, your sister/birth mother? How long have you been out of Oakdale? There's more inbreeding going on there than a rabbit farm!

2:49 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:07 PM  
Blogger Mary Cherry said...

Oh my god, ya'll! What is up with this?

Before you know it, Oakdale is going to be populated with people who look like they belong in that movie Wrong Turn!

C'mon, hon, think outside the Snyder clan because We Are Family is a disco song we don't want to be singing around here.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Hank Elliot said...

Hey, Mark.

Yes, Oakdale was not quite ready for me back in the day. I was there from '88 to '90.

I left the canvas to tend to my lover Charles who was dying.

My life sort of went into a tailspin afer that. I got and lost a job as a house designer at Gucci and ended up working at Ross Dress for Less until I got a house position at Old Navy.

You can blame me for the Tech Vest and manpris. Well, you could blame Carrie Donovan, God bless her, for getting me the job in the first place. I miss that old broad.

10:15 PM  
Blogger Sarah Cabot said...

Good luck Luke,

Love, Sarah

10:01 AM  
Blogger Mark Spies said...

Sarah, you're not by any chance a long lost relative of Rosanna Cabot, are you? I think she was the most beautiful woman ever to be on ATWT. That's high praise when you consider the fact that I swing the other way. I haven't given up hope that one day she'll come out of her coma and return from Switzerland. Well, it COULD happen. James and Paul have each returned from the DEAD, TWICE!

3:44 PM  
Blogger NewKidinTown said...

Hey Luke,

Hope you find the courage to be true to yourself. In life, all we want is happiness. I do think Kevin can help you find this. But you both need love and support.

10:02 PM  
Blogger Bryant Montgomery's Ghost said...

Hello Lucy.

I've missed you, too. I am watching everyone I love, even if I can't do anything to help.

You know Dad offed Mom's last husband, right?

I don't know if we should tell Mom that, or not, I mean, Dad's in prison where he belongs, at least for now...

He hates the orange jumpsuits, BTW.

Love you, kiddo.

9:16 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home